There is a list of emotional needs that we, as humans, crave and search for continually. On this list are feelings and emotions such as acceptance, love, being heard, and affirmation. These emotions all vary depending on the person but it is agreed that we all need some form of these securities. 

One way that humans fulfill these needs is through relationships, such as friendships, romance, and family. Being in such relationships can be wonderful and fulfilling, but it can also be exhausting and unhealthy. 

So, What makes a healthy relationship?

This is a loaded question as there are several different types of relationships that include differences in culture, opinion, and experiences. However, at the core of any healthy relationship stands respect, trust, safety, acceptance, freedom of choice, positive communication and conflict management, and fun (Murray CE, Ross R, Cannon J., 2021).

With that being said, a relationship should not be one-sided, abusive, or in any way harmful.  If you find yourself in this situation, know that it is okay to walk away.  

This can be a hard and scary decision. But sometimes the steps that seem the hardest in life are the ones that are the best for us in the end. Know that you do not have to face that decision on your own. Seek help in a trusted friend, teacher, or family member. 

You are loved and you matter.

We, too, are here for you. 

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you are in a relationship or are preparing to be in one. 

Why are you looking for a relationship?

One of the first questions you can ask is why you are looking for or are in a relationship. Research shows that most lasting relationships have a lasting purpose (Medical News Today, 2020). 

Starting a relationship without any set purpose often leads people to make decisions they never thought they would, before they are ready to.  For example, dating and relationships researchers Samantha Joel, Ph.D. and Prof. Paul Eastwick found that couples will move in together and get married, even if at the start of the relationship both parties were certain they were not right for each other.

What is your purpose? Are you seeking happiness? Do you desire unconditional love or acceptance? Maybe you are looking for someone to always be there for you. 

Before entering any type of relationship, it is important you yourself know what those purposes are. It is also important to talk about these with your partner, and make sure they align, so both of you are contributing to the health of your bond.

But remember, there are purposes that are healthy and those that are not. We are all human. This means that another person will not be able to always fulfill your desire for happiness. They will let you down, just like you will let them down. Your purpose should not be to find your worth in a relationship.

Is your identity found in your relationship?

In healthy relationships, the participants should be interdependent. This simply means that each party will rely on each other for mutual support, but overall maintains their identity as a unique individual. 

The definition of a relationship is “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected” (Oxford Languages). A healthy relationship has two or more partners that are strong individually, in identity and purpose, but come together to form a partnership of mutual respect, appreciation, and trust. 

When two people are secure in their own identity and individuality, they do not place unrealistic expectations on their partners to fulfill those for them. 

Now, as we mentioned earlier, relationships take all kinds of different forms and we all have our own experiences that shape us into who we are. Some of those experiences may have hindered the way we move forward in relationships. 

This is a reason why good communication is an important part of every relationship. 

Do you value communication in a relationship? 

As cliche as it may sound, communication really is key. A healthy relationship not only needs, but thrives, on good communication. Having this skill will create a safe space that can be used to talk about, and listen to, the difficult things that come throughout life. It will also be used to resolve conflicts.

Conflicts can arise for several different reasons, such as different lifestyles, jealousy, financial troubles, and strongly differing opinions. When left unchecked, these issues can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety. 

“Unresolved conflicts and the stress associated with conflict put even the most satisfying relationship at risk. Moreover, managing and resolving conflict is difficult, and can itself be a significant source of stress,” stated Professors Nickola Overall and James McNulty in their recent study. 

Healthy relationships are not void of problems and conflicts. However, these challenges become opportunities for growth and learning. 

Learning to communicate well will also help each member to grow together and develop trust. It takes honesty and vulnerability to open up about struggles or issues you may have in life or the relationship. But it is just as important to celebrate the good things in a relationship! 

What can I do?

Recognize that no relationship is perfect. There will be trials, doubts, and insecurities. 

Know your purpose. Understanding what that is can empower you to make healthy decisions for your future. 

Come together as two unique individuals. This will limit the unrealistic expectations you may put on each other and instead allow growth in respect and trust for one another. 

Seek to communicate well. Good communication will help guide you through conflicts and form a deeper bond. 

Committing to learning and implementing these things can help build a sturdy foundation that has the potential to last through life's storms.